The other day a normal, polite conversation veered into religious territory. It has always been strange to me how little we talk about such things. We wax on with long paragraphs about the weather and sports, but rarely get to the core of life. Honestly, I haven’t had an opportunity to talk about religion outside of a few conversations with students who genuinely want to discuss such matters with a curiosity that is enviable. The conversation caught me off guard at first but was welcomed. The question arose of the existence of a god. Without hesitating and in a surprising bluntness to myself I declared my unbelief. The words escaped my lips and seemed to linger in the air. This was the first time I had communicated out loud what I had been feeling for years. My heart met the moment with a tinge of sadness but also with relief. The brief sentence verbalized a sort of eulogy of faith, a declaration of what had been brewing inside me for a dozen years.
Verbalizing it made it feel real.
There is a peace within me today which has been hard won. Countless days were lost fighting for some divine plan. Now I can accept life as it is. I still mourn the loss of faith. I mourn what it took from me. My faith deceived me, tainting all my thoughts, relationships, and identity. On my worst days this mourning turns to anger. A sort of righteous anger for the young man who so easily accepted and believed in something so flawed, desperately wanting both acceptance and understanding while receiving neither. I still grieve being a part of the delusion and propagating it.
Unbelief has not fixed my life but it has been a part of my healing. Things like journaling, reflection, and medication have helped me to see with a clarity I missed when I was young. I no longer fear if I am living in accordance to some mysterious plan or how I can please an unclear deity. For the first time in my life I have peace.
Matt simon blog 