J’espère

When I look back on my time in christian culture, I feel embarrassment. I pushed away people and thought I was “right” in my stubborn pursuit of religion. I failed to see what I was doing. It was foolish, misunderstanding the moral of God (however you classify them/it). I look back and wonder how life would have turned out had I been open to it. To see life not as a battle between some cosmic good and evil, between approval and disapproval, but as something more nuanced, more authentic. Religion became a prop to push people away instead of a bridge letting them in with hopeful vulnerability. I willfully surrendered myself for something else entirely.

I was young and looking for identity. Church / religion gives many young people this. We look for a deeper meaning, we want to be hopeful, we want to be recognized. At its best, church does this. At its worst, it exploits the inner desires we have for connection and purpose. I am learning to give grace to my younger self.

We live a multitude of lives. The one we are found in and the diverging paths we could have taken. With age, comes an inescapable amount of “what if?”  With maturity, you understand the way things are and hope not to make the same mistakes again. I am grateful for the present, perhaps only because of the lessons earned from my mistakes. Yet, this is still a bitter pill. I would like to believe I have more empathy, more introspection and humility now having gone through past decisions. This hope carries me forward. That we learn from the thought processes that are harmful and relationship equations we simplify to keep us safe.

The truth is, I am happier without religion and belief. Somehow I have gained a freedom difficult to quantify. Abandoning faith was a decision I didn’t take lightly. The focus was on myself and that felt sinful. But I couldn’t heal by forcing belief in something I no longer felt any connection to. For too long I attempted to make pieces fit that didn’t. Once I dropped this act, I felt better. The pressure lifted. I could finally at long last, be myself.

My time in the faith allowed me to meet incredible people. It helped me learn lessons that I otherwise would not have learned. So while it isn’t what I would want looking back, I was able to pull positives from it to help me grow (I hope).