Lost Identity and Career

10 For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for Him and how you have shown your love to Him by caring for other believers, as you still do. –  Hebrews 6:10 NLT

Identity. We all have something we hide or find comfort in. It gives us strength, purpose, and a frame in which to make decisions. It can be something massive, like our faith, or something seemingly insignificant to others, like hobbies or personal favorites. Yet, these are the things that give our personality its function. These wide ranging identifiers teach others something about us, while helping give us a sense of belonging to something bigger than ourselves.

I’ve been thinking a lot about identity recently – both the good and the shadows of such things. My life officially looks 100% different than it did two years ago. The last major piece of this change was job title: pastor. This is a noble identity and one I wanted for most of my life, even when I was a kid and knew little of what such titles came with. What I did know at the time was influenced heavily by TV. Part showman and part improv comedy with a little southern Jesus pronunciation for good measure. As I came to faith later as an adult and richly explored the comfort found in the person of Jesus, I truly desired the job title simply out of love for Him. I loved people, but the true thing that bonded me to this career identity, and that which kept me through the times I wished to run, was a deep wonder and enchantment with an overwhelming God. This was the lens in which my relationship with Him blossomed.

Now that identity is gone. It feels strange, like something is missing. I think I am the same person, most days, yet there is a part of me that is unidentifiable, something foreign. I don’t say this to be melodramatic, many lose their jobs and ministry workers are no different, yet with every position measured in years, it can be equally as scary. We put so much into our careers, it is no wonder and not necessarily something bad when we feel sad and lacking something when they fade away. Constant questions and second guessing inevitably creeps in and out of an already restless mind.

Of course ends are new beginnings but they are not always welcomed ones. It takes awhile for the new chapter to get going, to be understood, to have it’s plot revealed. And so this is where I am. Scared. Hopeful. Worried. Different.