Ridiculous Resolutions

So I’m doing it . . . I’m changing my 2017 self into a much more advanced version. To do this, I hear one must make resolutions and they must do so on the first day of the year, lest you be set up for continued failure until next year. I took the majority of the day honestly hashing these important matters within the deep bowels of my tortured soul and here are the results:

1. I resolve to think less about myself. I really need to nail this one. Maybe I will go on a journey of self-discovery, read a book, or attempt to unlock my center through meditation. Whew. . . this is going to take work. When people ask, I will tell them about my quest for inner oneness and perfection. I’ll be the life of every party I go to!!!
2. I resolve to eat better. No more tacos. No more queso. No more chips. No more fun. I can always save those things for when Jesus comes back (and by the shape of the world, this could be this year anyways!). Goodbye junk food and HELLO flax seed!!!!
3. I resolve to work out more. I want to take large amounts of weight, pick them up, and put them down in the exact spot in which I found them. I will incorporate words like “buff”, “brochacho”, “swole”, “yoked”, and “protein based beverage” into my everyday vocabulary. Maybe I should consider going sleeveless??? This should help me maximize the created being the creator created. Also, this will help with #1 on this list. You ever go to a gym? Salt of the earth people there.
4. I resolve to sin less. I can do it. I’ve read the Bible, at least the major parts. It’s not that difficult. Just simply don’t do what I want and do do what I don’t necessarily want. Easy peezy. Stop thinking those thoughts, stop fantasizing of punching certain political figures, stop lying about my intentions to work out more. Check, check, and check!!! If this goes well, I might even start making my own clothes!
5. Finally, I resolve to laugh more. This is one I can do. In the face of such absurdity, it is crucial to keep your humor. The best deflector of tears will always be laughter.

Good luck on YOUR resolutions! May they be noble and distinguished and last past February and into a new version of YOU!