It’s early and my head begins to spin. In the quiet brisk morning, while sleepy defenses are powered down, the weight of a fractured mind sets in. Today will be a battle to keep it together. My faith has always been tempered with a layer of self-punishment. The thought is if I can preempt God’s judgment with my own, then maybe he’ll go easy on me. In a way, I am taking the punishment displaced from the cross – that which I willingly purchase time and time again.
I live in this limbo.
It is six in the morning.
The most wrestled with wonder of grace is whether or not it is personal. Does this gospel message – the message that what God did on the hill of Calvary wipes out what I do continually in the darkness of my soul – apply to me? Some days it feels closer than others. The method of God is undeserving, or as theologians refer to as “wholly other”. The thought is that God by nature is completely out of our realm and ways. He/She is completely “other”. A mystery. Scripture upholds this.
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. – (Isaiah 55:8-9)
Even the Sermon on the Mount shows the entirely upside down nature of God. The actions and reactions of God are unlike ours. Perhaps the greatest lie of the darkness is that we can never be saved.
God is indeed a mystery (or the mystery). But we can also look to what God created for a sign of the character of such a wholly other being. The fact we are still here – that evil goes largely unchecked – either speaks of God’s mercy or God’s delayed judgment or both. With creation, we see beauty mixed with tragedy. Canyons, Mountains, and the springing of life eternal, tells of a deeper majesty and calm. Our penchant for actively destroying such creation, speaks more about our nature than God’s.
Such are the thoughts swirling in my weary head this morning. I choose to believe in a merciful God. I choose God’s love for myself over the wave of condemnation I have cemented my soul within. One day this will all make sense. It will end with a whimper, a whisper, a sigh of relief.
Jesus, come.
Matt simon blog 