20 Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, 21 the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. 22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children – Romans 8″20-23
I think it was easy to believe I was doing more than I was. Professional ministry can have an insulating effect on those who carry it’s mantle. I loved being a pastor, and all the ups and downs that came with it. While many are leery of the role in others, and perhaps rightfully so, for me it was a welcomed burden. The title alone grants an inherited sense of purpose – like you are contributing to a greater good. This is a feeling I have come to miss.
In the last few months since my last church ordained profession, I have come to realize that “ministry” is sometimes more vibrant and meaningful outside the role of pastor. This means YOU, the reader, have a sense of ministry that can far exceed that of any professional ministry role. Yet, for me personally, I have felt a sense that I am not measuring up to the good I wish to do, or that I know through Him I am capable of.. Deep in my heart, I know I fall short of the help I wish to provide, the needs I look to meet, and the kindness I long to share. Once out of the parameters of a church setting, the possibilities become endless, but they also become blurred and unclear. My current role is definitely in the realm of compassion services. However, I still feel an immeasurable amount of weight – that it is not enough.
Do you ever feel a nagging desire to do more good in the face of such confusing hurt?
I have grown tired of Facebook. Not out of any self-righteous stand but out of the roller coaster of emotions I feel scrolling through its endless feed. One second you can be watching a cute (insert animal or baby here) doing something adorable. These are my favorites. They lift my pessimism enough to actually think there may be good in this world. But then comes the next post which immediately brings my heart crashing to a nihilistic colored reality. My doctor recently told me of the increased amounts of anxiety her patients are expressing. She explained how being an informed citizen of this world comes with a massive mental price.
I am consciously trying to put down my phone more to look up.
Perhaps this strong pull towards doing more good in this world is an attempt to convince God that I am paying attention. “I see the hurt, and I want to do something about it.” I do know that it is a way for me to feel absolution for the darker parts of my being. It is easier to do more good, than to change the sin that you struggle with daily. Perhaps this explains the Old Testament. Many sacrificed over and over and over again. Many fell into the religious trappings of being “good” only to have more sin fuel even more sacrifice.
Perhaps this explains Jesus.
Currently I am in a fog of wanting (desperately) to help. I can’t explain the urgency of it, but it both motivates and frustrates me daily. I have started to pray directly for God to put people in my path that I can share moments of grace with, while praying for something to push this energy into.
I am practicing surrender through frustrated prayer
Join me
Lord, it is because of your fingerprints within me that I wish to do better in this world. There seems like an impossible amount of hurt and sin here. Yet, I trust in your victory purchased at the cross. So I ask for you to orchestrate my days in a way where I come face to face with the need of this world. Open my eyes and heart and may your Spirit use what little I have as a catalyst for change. I surrender this day, my motivations, and desires, to you. Use me for your end. I love and trust in you, the savior of my once broken soul. Amen
Matt simon blog 