“It is my belief no man ever understands quite his own artful dodges to escape from the grim shadow of self-knowledge” – Joseph Conrad
The Enneagram wrecks people. At least that’s what I’m told. A process of spiritual self discovery, it challenges you by figuring out how you fit into nine different personality types. From Augustine to Merton, many heavy-hitting spiritual all-stars have used this to understand the depth of the person they show as well as the person they hide. It has a deep emphasis on our defense mechanisms and shortcomings in a way to warn and encourage. A man must know his weaknesses perhaps even more than his strengths.
Of course, as I have done some research, including more than a few online projections, I have realized some harmful patterns in my life. I have always prided myself on knowing the temperature of my self, yet I have a ways to go. This is where Oprah would say something profound like “we are all on a journey to the center of our majestic selves” but I am simply not that poetic. It has hit me how interesting it is that humanity craves connection and authenticity while many times fleeing from both. I wonder the shape of the world we would live in if we simply let down the walls that keep us confined. Working through this self-discovery tool, I have found myself to be mirky at best. Even the tests put me in two categories with one even saying “it is not clear from these test results which Enneagram type you are.” Encouraging. I must share company with my philosophic ogre friend Shrek, in that I too am an onion with many layers. I appreciate this, however, because it grants mystery to the soul. It is said to take months to nail down a clear personality type from this test, which of course is one of many tools.
Getting married has caused me to dwell deeply on this. No longer is it I alone who depend on a healthy self-knowledge. I have realized how deep the desire to flee is rooted in myself. This is for many reasons but mainly because I worry about others seeing something in the true me which will disqualify me from their love and admiration. To be vulnerable is to risk rejection. Perhaps I worry that no one wants to venture into my exposed soul with me.
Artful dodgers indeed.
Lord, show us who we are. Forcibly tear down that which we are not and reinforce that which we are. Your grace be praised.
Matt simon blog 