Recently I read an interview with the widow of Robin Williams. She described the months leading up to the actor’s suicide, caused by his diagnosis of Lewy Body Disease (LBD) and his long battle with depression. She detailed his fight with all of this in a powerful essay in which she called his illness as a “terrorist inside my husband’s brain”. This really hit me. First, it’s important for us to remember that there is grace in suicide. Many fight mental illness with unspeakable courage, and sometimes the terrorist wins. Yet our Lord reigns above all mental struggles as well as physical. There is to be no shame for those who have lost loved ones in this battle. The sad story of Williams should help shed light on the mental battle raging within those diagnosed and those who haven’t.
Let me be clear, something in this world wants to end you. Call it mental illness, call it aging, call it satan. Whatever the name, you are affront to the world in which you face. There is very much a terrorist living inside this world and behind it’s deception – an attempt to be “better”- it wants you dead.
Fighting against this daily can be a living hell. Every muttered phrase in conversation has a double meaning and bounces around the cell of your head for days. Insecurities once suppressed rise to the surface and refuse to relent. They never go away, simply hibernate for just long enough to convince yourself their gone. What is it about humanity that creates an ideal (impossible) arrival point to reach and then criticizes every feeble attempt at reaching this?
“You’re not good enough” “You’re not fit enough” “You’re not special enough” . . . the terror reigns.
While their is no clear solution to the terror within our heads, there is grace. The Church has wrestled with a definition of this since a battered Jesus declared “It is finished”. This grace celebrates weakness because it’s the avenue in which our savior can work. In weakness there is incredible strength – the strength of our creator. And so while we never halt reaching for health, we rest in the strong One. We share our weakness. We wear it as a badge of honor because this is what unites us with the Father of lights as well as a broken humanity. Wear your wounds with pride, saint. For redemption only comes after great pain. The tax on rebirth is a necessary death.
Today, do not be frightened. Lord, may your grace be known in our valley. Blanket us with truth when we hurt. Create in us the confidence of a broken saint. Have mercy.
Matt simon blog 