And there it was. The key to student ministry – not to mention parenting – summed up by one particularly astute 18 year old soon to be graduate.
“Ask me about my life, let me talk, and then engage what i just shared.”
The more I work with teens, the more I hold to this. No fancy music or lights. No hip style. No rebellious tattoo or beanie. Only a question and an authentic desire to connect. A assurance they are cared for. Is this not the priority of the family and church? If we don’t take a genuine interest in our kids, who will? The best parents aren’t cool. Cool is overrated. The best church leaders aren’t hip. Hip is outdated. No, the best are merely the willing and the authentic. Those who understand the emptiness of culture and the fullness of Christ.
Relational equity is built when it seems like nothing is happening and quantity of time ultimately leads to quality.
Ask Questions. A LOT of questions
Many times we ask questions from a place of frustration.
“Why did you do that?” “How did you get arrested?” “What happened to your little brother?”
What if we formed good questions ahead of time? “What are you excited for?” “What are some of your fears?” “Who do you want to become?” The best questions are open-ended and are followed up by a few more. The more you can get a teen to talk, the more they will respond and the more they will trust. Maximize time in the car. They are buckled in and more than likely not going to risk jumping out of a moving car to avoid you. We call this “windshield time”. What if we worked from the belief that kids actually want to talk to us?
Let go of the tiger
Have you ever talked to a person holding a tiger? Neither have I but I can imagine it would be terribly distracting. It doesn’t seem safe to me. Because of your authority as a parent or leader, this creates a wall between you and them. Authority can be a barrier to intimacy. The key is finding ways to get down to their level. As children, great parents get on the floor and play with their kids. We need to find the equivalent with teens. Enter their world. Are they into video games? Challenge them to one. Music? Listen to their favorite artist without judgment. Don’t expect to bring them up to your level without first going down to theirs. Let go of the tiger.
Matt simon blog 